


Memento Mori

by kingdra (aroceu)



Series: Generosity [39]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Alternate Universe - Online Dating, Bad Pick-Up Lines, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 13:48:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3211430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/kingdra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>hey baby did it hurt</em>
  <br/>
  <em>when you fell from heaven</em>
  <br/>
  <em>uhuhuhu</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memento Mori

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bird/gifts).



> this is feasto's (super) late bday present IDK IF THEY HAV AN AO3 ILL LINK U ON TWITTER
> 
> THANK YOU TO [JADE](http://archiveofourown.org/users/hyoney) FOR HELPING OUT MY KUROTSUKI MUSE
> 
> shuffles away

_hey baby did it hurt_  
_when you fell from heaven_  
_uhuhuhu_

Kei's heart skips when he checks his phone. For a second he worries, before he realizes that it's from the dating app that had come installed with the phone.

It's been in several hands, so it's hard to say who'd been the first to download it. Regardless, it's definitely  _not_  Kei's responsibility, and he slides into the app and types out a reply.

_Sorry to disappoint, but my friend gave me their phone. You'd have better luck elsewhere._

He goes to the profile screen, but the name and the picture are blank. Kei blinks and briefly considers putting in his own information. No, he should delete the app instead.

_no luck with you? ;)_  
_let me try another one_  
_do you have a mirror in your pocket?_

Kei stares at the phone.

_(this is the part where you say 'what')_

_What._

_cuz i can see myself in your pants ;)))_

Kei rolls his eyes and goes to the phone home screen. This is the part where he's supposed to delete the application.

Instead, he clicks it shut and tries to forget about it for the rest of the day.

*

_did you sit in some sugar? bc you have a pretty sweet ass_

Kei's phone buzzes at two in the morning. He's walking down the street, looking like a university student while looking for people to rescue. He could change his appearance, but he likes the way he looks, tall and light and limber.

He frowns at this mystery person's new message, because who else would be awake this late, sending pick up lines to a stranger.

_You've never seen me before._

_we could change that ;)_

_I don't know where you're from._

_i don't know where you are either but i'm not letting that stop me!_

_I should delete this already._

Kei waits. He doesn't know why he does.

It takes this mystery person a full five minutes just to send another pick up line.

_i wanna live in your socks so i can be with you in every step of the way_

Kei snorts and nearly chucks his phone down an alley. Instead, he focuses on it so his fingers turn bright. The phone's battery goes back to 100%.

Kei sends,  _I'm deleting this app now._

_okay then ;)))_

*

His phone buzzes a week later.

_you're 75% water and i'm thirsty ;)_

Kei's hands instinctively go to his keyboard.

_Adults are 60% water._

_ooh! so you didn't delete ;)_

Kei curses himself for falling for this, and vows to send one more message before never speaking to the stranger again.

Plenty of the others had found human partners. They also made bets on whether Kei would or not. He doesn't actually know if it would be more annoying if those who thought he would get a partner were right than those who didn't.

Kei doesn't like humans as much as the others, though. It's a centuries-old job, protecting humans from each other.

_I'm deleting now._

*

Technically, Kei has the shape of human, with body parts that he can remove and regrow at will. He's been stabbed before. His nerve endings hadn't particularly appreciated it when he'd goaded someone into running a knife into his chest.

His gender on the dating app (which he still hasn't deleted, even though the mysterious stranger hasn't responded since) is unmarked. Kei figures it's for the best. Even though dating is irrelevant to him. As is the application.

He'd deleted it once, and then reinstalled it right afterwards. In case the mysterious stranger has other pick up lines to use on him.

_if you were a booger i'd pick you first :^)_

The new one comes a few days later. Kei wishes he could say that he hadn't been waiting around staring at his phone while rescuing humans. But earth time passes pretty quickly.

He hesitates, because the stranger will just make fun of him if they find out that he's still here.

But that's the only way he'll get new messages.

_That's disgusting._

_:^') it's true. you'd be my first booger._

_First one ever, or just your first for now?_

Kei's leaning against a lamp post. He adjusts his glasses, because his cheeks feel too warm.

_both?? ;))_

_Why do you keep messaging me,_  Kei finds himself typing quickly.

_Especially after I say I'll delete._

_why don't you delete? :)_

_Ooh, you got me._

Despite the tone of the message, Kei can feel his ears turning red. He adjusts the headphones he'd materialized for himself over his head. Nothing on earth would make him admit that this stranger's messages are actually getting to him.

_i got you good ;p_  
_so how about meeting up in real life?? ;ppp_

_Do you use emoticons with everything_

_that doesn't answer the question :^)_  
_(yes 8=D)_

Kei lets out a snort before he can stop himself. He covers his mouth with his hand and calms his human body down.

_I'm not sure if that's a very good idea._

_why? you seem ~friendly~ enough on here_  
_i'm sure you'll be just as friendly in person ;)_

*

Kei's rereading their conversation a few nights later, perched on the roof of a building, legs dangling off the side. Sometimes it's weird walking on solid ground all the time.

Maybe the stranger is awake right now too.

_I have a confession to make._

His phone pings less than a minute later.

_ooh! you messaged me first!!_  
_are you in love with me ;))_

_No._

Kei's not sure if "I'm not who you think I am" is exactly the right way to put this.

_well i have a confession too!! but you go first :^)_

_I'm_  
_Not really_  
_A human_

_ooh_  
_what are you then_  
_a horse?_  
_do i need to bring out the horse pickup lines? ;)_  
_get ready to RIDE ME ;)))));)_  
_wait that's not how horses work_

Kei slaps his hand to his face.

_No._

_lemme come find you and i'll see for myself 8D_

_You don't know where I am._

_i said i'll find you!!!! i'm good at finding people :^)_  
_i don't mean that in a creepy way_  
_maybe like a semi-creepy way_

_Good luck with that._

*

In the morning, Kei is walking past a bank when someone appears in front of him.

He doesn't come running at him, or shows up around a corner, or not looking where he's going and bumping into Kei. He quite literally materializes on the sidewalk in a fizz of black smoke and Kei falls over and yelps.

No one around them seems to have noticed. When they stare at Kei it's because he'd shouted. Kei covers his mouth and his cheeks turn pink.

The person blinks and says, "You saw that?"

"I saw - "

Kei picks himself up. This stranger has black flyaway hair and looks surprised as Kei feels.

"What the hell are you?"

"What are  _you_ ," the stranger shoots right back. "I was expecting, like, to land in a field in front of a horse or something - "

"I'm not a horse!"

Kei's shouting gets people staring at them again. The stranger's eyebrows shoot up.

"You're not like how I thought you'd be."

"I wouldn't be this loud," says Kei, " _if you weren't a fucking demon -_  "

"Oh." The stranger looks pleased. "So you figured it out then."

It's not hard to tell. Kei's heard what demons are like, with dark aura and dark smoke and trying to stir up humans. This one has something about his smile, too, which fits both with his messages and his being a demon. Kei should've noticed sooner.

"Of course I did," Kei grumbles, brushing off the dirt from his pants. "I'm an angel."

The stranger's lips twitch. "No way. Well, I guess the only way I'd meet an angel is through a dating app."

He blows his hair out of his own face.

Kei turns on his heel and stalks off. "I'm done here," he says.

"Wait," the stranger calls, and to Kei's horror his feet stop. Damned human bodies. "I thought we got off to a good start."

"I beg to differ," says Kei, but he turns around anyway.

The stranger comes up to him and sticks out his hand.

"I'm Tetsurou."

"I didn't ask," says Kei. He takes the hand and tries not to be too charmed by Tetsurou's smirk. "Kei."

He wouldn't be here if Tetsurou wasn't a demon. It must be his evil magic. Or whatever it is that demon's have. Kei should push him back with his own powers.

Tetsurou looks him up and down. "How about we go back to mine and check out that sugar on your ass?"

"Oh my  _god_ ," says Kei. Tetsurou's broken him, surely. Then, "By yours do you mean hell? Because I think that's against the rules."

"You know what us demons are like," says Tetsurou, and that somehow gets Kei to say, "Alright."

*

"I thought angels were supposed to be  _pure_."

"God," says Kei, because Tetsurou's mouth is kind of muffled by Kei's ass. Having sex in hell is making Kei sweat more than he'd ever wish to.

Tetsurou lifts his head up. "Was that supposed to be ironic?"

"I hate you," says Kei.

Tetsurou licks into him and Kei winces.

"Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here."

"I'll leave if you don't get on with it."

"I thought you always appreciated my pick up lines."

Tetsurou takes Kei's ass cheeks in his hands and squeezes. Kei gasps and tries to shove the lower half of his body tighter against Tetsurou's face.

"I do  _not_ ," Kei protests.

Tetsurou says, "You do," and does that thing with his tongue, because apparently demons have long workable tongues that are very efficient with ass eating.

Kei tells him he hates that too. Tetsurou says, "Isn't it usually hard for you to hate things?"

"Shut up."

Tetsurou does, with Kei's ass.

**Author's Note:**

> i was deliberating between angels/demons au and online dating au and thought "why not both" so


End file.
